Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
