Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Randomize
