i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
