i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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