Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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