I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
