He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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