if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
