we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
