i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
