I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
