When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
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