Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
