so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
