i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
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