Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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