Already got asked if we're dating
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
