This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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