I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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