dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I just want nice things and good sex
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
