Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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