I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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