so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
