She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
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He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
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