im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
40s are totally the cure
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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