Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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