woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
