I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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