1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
