Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
You were trust falling into bushes
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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