are you so shy because you have an std?
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
