I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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