Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
