I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
