There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
