please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
