I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
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That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
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I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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