What a fucking waste of an outfit
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
