so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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