If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
