Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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