his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Terrible idea I love it
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
