OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
