maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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