When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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