guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
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