I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
