Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
