Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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