smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
