at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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