I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
