Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
