I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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