dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
