I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
40s are totally the cure
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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