Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
