I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
